Thursday, December 13, 2012

Dear Kids: There will be no Christmas this year

At least not at your mom's house.

I tried.

I had big plans...big plans...

but life comes up on you and sometimes it bites you in the ass and you can't get ahead, no matter how hard you try.

You can present so well for just a short yeah, she's got it together, going on dates and applying to UC Berkeley and wearing those Frye boots that make her hips sway.

Then someone rips off the child support check and cashes it fraudulently

Then the car that you were so proud of buying all by yourself takes a dive...not just a 200 dollar repair dive, but a 2000 dollar repair dive..

Then the job that you love goes to hell and business is bad and you cannot please your boss no matter what you do so going to work sucks and
you vow to get another job...polish your resume...
but you are paralyzed with the voice in the back of your head that says
you are nothing, you are nothing...
watch 14 episodes of Breaking Bad and stay in your pajamas all day and overeat like a mofo because
 says the voice.

You recognize that the Universe puts adversity in front of you for a reason and most of the time you think you handle it with grace and class but today you feel like saying
Haven't I had enough?

Apparently not.

Your divorce lawyer quits because he has not been paid and the IRS wants 300 grand and your license is suspended and all of your motherfucking Christmas ornaments are with wounded man at that house you left in the hills and yes...I said motherfucking and Christmas in the same sentence...fuck it.  I give up.

You want so bad to get out of this victim consciousness state because you hate it and yet you are a ball of bitterness and cannot break free.

You hate.

You hate your stepfather...still you hate him.

You hate wounded man...still you hate him.

Why they would let you suffer...why they would let your  kids suffer...I am dumbfounded and still in disbelief at times.


Things are just things.

I really don't know how I am going to get you to school and back again...let alone buy you things for Christmas.

That's just where we are at right now.

I am sorry.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012


Just little things, an update of sorts for those of you who don't 'know' me or know me in the biblical sense.  And if it was biblical I apologize:
I was drunk and I'm a lesbian now.
I did that podcast way back in June...remember?

and I was surprised that Paul Gilmartin even aired it.  I had let go of the outcome, assumed that it was crap and moved harm no foul.
When he contacted me last month and told me it was going up I kinda what the fuck did I say?  Was I incriminating?  Did I tell the truth?  Did I present well? 
Blah Blah Blah, the voices in our heads may be quiet for a spell, but they are always there, waiting for the next insecure thought to catch a ride in on.
I listened to myself.  I was OK.  heck, I was better than OK.  I did good.  I presented my life in a linear fashion.  It made sense.  I was funny, kind of. (COME ON, I WAS FUNNY!)  Shoot, I even think my voice sounded a bit sexy.  Yeah, I said it.  Fuck y'all, voices in my head.
Pretty soon I was sick of listening to myself, and I sincerely thank those who did, in its' hour and a half mess of therapizing.
That was some cathartic shit.  Yeah, I am so eloquent, but it's true.
I want this for everyone: an opportunity to figure out why we are the way we are, with someone wonderful like Paul actually listening and encouraging us.
Dope beyond belief.
Seriously...when am I going to start talking like I am 42.  Uh.....NEVER.
I have been continuing in the 'big things' department.
Paying my own bills.  Cleaning my own house (have you ever been rich?  it's fabulous on many counts, but the best is the housekeeper.  I miss that shit waaaay more than the Bahamas). 
I applied to UC Berkeley and UC Santa Cruz, where I will be majoring in Feminist Studies. 
Don't give me the snide stare.
Don't give me the blank stare.
Don't pity me or have opinions behind your hand or my back.
I know what the fuck I am doing with this major.
Imma change the world, yo. 
One injustice at a time.
I started dating women...not such a big deal, no coming out moment.
Nobody baked me a rainbow cake though, and I feel a little sad about it.
My kids are so lacksadaisical about this shit.
Little Wise Woman is supportive as always.
Little ones want to know why my chick looks like a boy...
Somehow, I managed to put my filter on and not say "Cause my tomboy femme ass needs a DADDY, children...that's why.)
I am casually dating, which is hard, what with working, kids, school and the like.
I have some hilarious stories from this online dating thing that I am not quite ready to tell, but I want parents of high school age kids to know that SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA their kids' 24 year old American Government teacher is sexting with a suburban mom while teaching the class.
It was a lapse in judgement folks.
Because 24 year olds are crazy.
Like, texting me 42 times crazy.
Life is awesome.  I never forget the depression, or the rape, or the dysfunctional family, or the fucked up ex husband, or the abuse, or the nervous breakdown (Epiphany: this should be my OKCupid ad...thoughts?)
I just don't lead with those things anymore.
God/Universe/Goddess/Mother Mary bless each and every one of you.
Don't be strangers.