Thursday, December 13, 2012

Dear Kids: There will be no Christmas this year

At least not at your mom's house.

I tried.

I had big plans...big plans...

but life comes up on you and sometimes it bites you in the ass and you can't get ahead, no matter how hard you try.

You can present so well for just a short while...like yeah, she's got it together, going on dates and applying to UC Berkeley and wearing those Frye boots that make her hips sway.

Then someone rips off the child support check and cashes it fraudulently

Then the car that you were so proud of buying all by yourself takes a dive...not just a 200 dollar repair dive, but a 2000 dollar repair dive..

Then the job that you love goes to hell and business is bad and you cannot please your boss no matter what you do so going to work sucks and
you vow to get another job...polish your resume...
but you are paralyzed with the voice in the back of your head that says
you are nothing, you are nothing...
watch 14 episodes of Breaking Bad and stay in your pajamas all day and overeat like a mofo because
 YOU ARE NOTHING
 says the voice.

You recognize that the Universe puts adversity in front of you for a reason and most of the time you think you handle it with grace and class but today you feel like saying
FUCK YOU UNIVERSE
Haven't I had enough?

Apparently not.

Your divorce lawyer quits because he has not been paid and the IRS wants 300 grand and your license is suspended and all of your motherfucking Christmas ornaments are with wounded man at that house you left in the hills and yes...I said motherfucking and Christmas in the same sentence...fuck it.  I give up.

You want so bad to get out of this victim consciousness state because you hate it and yet you are a ball of bitterness and resentment...you cannot break free.

You hate.

You hate your stepfather...still you hate him.

You hate wounded man...still you hate him.

Why they would let you suffer...why they would let your  kids suffer...I am dumbfounded and still in disbelief at times.

Kids.

Things are just things.

I really don't know how I am going to get you to school and back again...let alone buy you things for Christmas.

That's just where we are at right now.

I am sorry.




5 comments:

  1. Don't be so hard on yourself, just be there for them Katie. They may not realize it now but in the end it's the best gift you can give. My dad often didn't have the money to do much for Christmas (we are talking a paper sack stocking with a can of corn beef hash in it.) and I still have nothing but fond Christmas memories. Give yourself a little gift too, just let go of the seasonal pressures.

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  2. Thanks Paul.
    Feeling sad today...hope it passes...usually does.
    Thanks for your kind words

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  3. You friended me a few days ago and when I accepted I was excited to be able to connect.
    You know the feeling you get when you read something and it hits home, some deep shit place that rings true within you- just rearrange the peopleplacesthings and its the same? This is it.
    Such an admirer of you- what you write for all of us. Thanks.

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  4. Oh Peter, what a lovely thing to say. Tears of gratitude for the connection, my friend.

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  5. Was very inspired by you on the happy hour. Thanks for you honesty, it must be so hard to put yourself out here like this. Keep on keeping it real sister (after being awesomely cliche...I'm out!)

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