Friday, July 13, 2012

Worry.

A steam of consciousness post about fear, lack of money and that little voice in the back of my head that tells me I can never make it on my own.


I live in two worlds.
Rather, I live in my present world, in which I am a waitress making $8 an hour, sharing a room with my two kids at a transitional housing unit, trying to hold onto a relationship with the eldest child, existing financially because of loans, kindness, the government and sheer will.
And I keep trying to resurrect the world that I used to live in, in which I took vacations to the Bahamas, walked around in $200 jeans and carried around thousand dollar handbags.
The jeans don't fit me anymore, and the Bahamas were really just another set of beaches, and I hang onto that Bottega Veneta handbag because it was my mother's, and I loved her, and carrying it around makes me happy sometimes.
I don't miss the statusy-ness of it all, and I appreciate the call to humility above all else.
What I miss is the freedom from worry.
because I worry.
all the time.
I am now gainfully employed, doing what I am qualified to do at this stage in my life.  I serve people.  This former upper class business owner house wife privileged Cinderella complex 42 year old woman serves people.
I am in school.  I study and I study and I study and I endure sub par teachers because I feel 'less than' because I am a high school drop out WAITRESS who has no right to feel or be intelligent or deserving of success.
Shit.  That was some stream of consciousness alright.
Y'all can probably see my internal organs by this time.  I feel naked.
The bottom line is, I am panicking.
I'm panicking because I've run my numbers, and it doesn't add up.
The way I envisioned my little life costs too much money.
I can't seem to make enough to make a living for myself and my children.
I have not made smart choices all the time while I have been in welfare woman land.
I would like to acknowledge this.
Borrowing money from my ex husband to take my child to a Broadway show in the city was not the best idea.
I just wanted to spend time with her, I just wanted to trap her in a car, a hotel room, a restaurant and enjoy her.
I know.
Beyond my means.
And not worth the consequence of his wrath when I could not pay him back when I said I would.
He is taking me to small claims court to get the $450 I borrowed from him back.  He will garnish my wages, he says.
I guess owing me back child and spousal support to the tune of $10,000 (thus far) plus who knows what else to be determined does not factor into the equation.
Whatever.
I try to live my life not needing that money that is owed, not knowing if it will ever be paid, not having faith that he will ever do the right thing.
And occasionally I fall.
I make mistakes.
I spend money that I don't have to try to pretend to my children that our lives are normal.
$100 at great america.
Dippin' dots, shitty carny food, $12 soda.
Life is normal, kids.
We are going to be just fine.
I go to look at places that I can afford to rent and I am crushed, kicked to the ground, I can't breathe, God...I can't breathe.
On his side, the two little ones go to Disneyland, they go to Cabo, they come back with suntans and unbrushed teeth and they have another woman's name in their vocabularies, gosh Daddy has lots of new friends.
Yet...when I bring my children around the man in my life once in a blue moon I am a 'trainwreck'.  I am acting out.
I call myself train wreck now.  I own it, I love it, because if being away from wounded man makes me a train wreck then so be it...call me a train wreck.
I write the letter to the private school, full of shame and TMI, begging them for yet another year of financial aid.
She will go to that school.
I will live in a studio apartment, I don't fucking care.
She will go to that school.
The money that I do have to pay is reduced, and I am grateful, but it is still 25% of my take home pay.
She will go to that school.
She will go to that school.
She will go to that school.

This is not a pity post.
Please don't feel sorry for me.
I believe this is the lesson I am on this earth to learn, and most of the time I accept it willingly.

But today.
I worry.


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