Saturday, May 12, 2012

A letter to my children on Mother's Day

Hey.
Little Wise Woman.  Wild Thing.  Little Man.
This is a conversation I've been meaning to have with you for awhile.
Thia is a conversation about how much your unconventional free spirit mother loves you.
This is a conversation about us as a family.
We are 4.
I need to apologize to each of you for the mother that I was not during the most crucial years of your lives.
I need to tell you that there are no excuses.
I need to ask you for your forgiveness.
Yes.
I need to ask you.
14, 7, and 5 years old.
I can't ask you in person so I ask you on this thing I use as therapy, this blog of emotional barf:
Forgive me.
There I was, stuck in a depression from the years of a controlling abusive marriage, from the years of grieving my mother's death, from the years of not dealing with my own shitty childhood.
And there you were: needing a mother.  Needing me.
I failed you then.
I can't take it back.
I own it.  I carry it.  I bear it.
I damaged you all.

Deep Breath.



Here we are.



If you knew how much I adored each of you you would roll your eyes to the heavens above.

If you knew how much I admired you, was proud of you, was inspired by you, you might barf a little on the inside.

We are a family, us 4.

I don't own you.  You are not extensions of me.  You will live your own lives when the time comes, and I will do my damnedest not to interfere.

But you must know....

I smell your heads when you are sleeping.

I am in awe of your magic.

The happiest I have ever been is to watch the three of you interacting with each other.

I took precious time away from your childhoods because of the choices that I made in my life.  I can never make that up to you.

But what I can do is to love you.

Unconditionally.  Unequivocally.  Uninterrepted.

I'm back, babies.

I'll never be the mom in the poster.  Please don't expect the norm, I think we all know this has never been a possibility.

What I will be is sane.  What I will be is your champion.  What I will be is your mother.

So on this day that Hallmark created and we all fell for, I say to you:

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be your mother.

The universe has truly blessed me.



2 comments:

  1. I wish my mom could admit to this :) Instead she blames everyone else around her. Your kids will respect you so much once they age. Love

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