Little Wise Woman. Wild Thing. Little Man.
This is a conversation I've been meaning to have with you for awhile.
Thia is a conversation about how much your unconventional free spirit mother loves you.
This is a conversation about us as a family.
We are 4.
I need to apologize to each of you for the mother that I was not during the most crucial years of your lives.
I need to tell you that there are no excuses.
I need to ask you for your forgiveness.
I need to ask you.
14, 7, and 5 years old.
I can't ask you in person so I ask you on this thing I use as therapy, this blog of emotional barf:
There I was, stuck in a depression from the years of a controlling abusive marriage, from the years of grieving my mother's death, from the years of not dealing with my own shitty childhood.
And there you were: needing a mother. Needing me.
I failed you then.
I can't take it back.
I own it. I carry it. I bear it.
I damaged you all.
Here we are.
If you knew how much I adored each of you you would roll your eyes to the heavens above.
If you knew how much I admired you, was proud of you, was inspired by you, you might barf a little on the inside.
We are a family, us 4.
I don't own you. You are not extensions of me. You will live your own lives when the time comes, and I will do my damnedest not to interfere.
But you must know....
I smell your heads when you are sleeping.
I am in awe of your magic.
The happiest I have ever been is to watch the three of you interacting with each other.
I took precious time away from your childhoods because of the choices that I made in my life. I can never make that up to you.
But what I can do is to love you.
Unconditionally. Unequivocally. Uninterrepted.
I'm back, babies.
I'll never be the mom in the poster. Please don't expect the norm, I think we all know this has never been a possibility.
What I will be is sane. What I will be is your champion. What I will be is your mother.
So on this day that Hallmark created and we all fell for, I say to you:
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be your mother.
The universe has truly blessed me.