Saturday, May 7, 2011

There's a post down below that's written by him.

It's called abusive rants...
I keep it up to remind me of exactly how much respect he had for me.
Zero.
I keep it up so that when I am just a little bit further away from the nonsense I hope I will be thanking baby Jee Jee I leapt.
I keep it up because it helps me to know that I made the right decision.

Like we never loved at all.

I am erasing myself from the humble house in the foothills that I saw such potential in. My small ones are with their father. When they return there will be no trace of me. My older child left a long time ago, never having felt safe in his prescence. I have ached for her for almost a year while I got more and more stuck.
What will the small ones say? What will they feel? Will they miss me? Will they be allowed to mourn their loss?
It's out of my control. I can only comfort them and be their mother on Mondays Tuesdays Wednesdays and alternating weekends.
I'm alone in this house that was never mine right now. I said goodbye to the epic wisteria tree in the backyard. I did the last load of laundry I'll ever do here. I have taken my half of the spices. I've let things go that I wanted really bad. I feel sad and defeated, with a dash of hope deep in my heart.

Friday, May 6, 2011

The death of a dream.

I'm sad at what could have been, had he been who I wished him to be. How silly that sounds. As if you fall in love with someone just to try and change them.
I've done all I can do.
He's done messing with my head.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I leap.
Into the pool of the unknown I leap.
It's the act that I believe will resurrect that sprite inside me.
It's the faith I've never counted on before.
Catch me, world. And return me to my former state...just a little stronger, maybe a little richer, too.
Wiser, Calmer, Truer. I'll take it all.
Amen.