Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A Good Day? A Bad Day? I got two for one...

Stealing from SC:
Good:
A frank, fantastic conversation with my kid's preschool director.
 Miss J.  is so compassionate with our situation, and so good to my kids.  She sees the beauty and truth in each of their budding personalities, and is helping them to become kind, intelligent people.
I love people who don't judge.  Miss J....she don't judge.
BIKE RIDE!!!  with...
My new favortite person, Miss Thang.  So sexy sexy sexy think of the Jack Johnson song cause it's all her, doncha know.  Man, that girl is gen...u...ine.  I sure appreciate her, and it's been a long time since I've made a good femaile friend.  She has taught me about myself and my relationship with the big G.  She has taught me about empowerment via mathematics.  She has a joie de vivre that is contagious and I just love her.  And I ain't even made that she kicked my ass on the bike ride today.  I let her win ;)
I just love exercise, nature, and good people.  I am thankful for the hours of 9-12 today.
My brother D. 
I have not been able to return a phone call to him to save my life, so I stopped by his office to take him to lunch with the kids and I.  He is a good man.  Solid.  He mentors loads of newly sober dudes, is super committed to his wife, and is moral, just and ethical.  I get to be his little sister.  He's funny, a badass on the bike and loves the same bad reality TV as me.  I love him.
BAD.
Missed a phone call from Marc.  Got berated in a VM message.  In the message, he tells me that he is going to dinner with NANCY.  Nancy was his first love.  He never got over Nancy.  We saw Nancy in LG yesterday.  We were with our kids, and she walked right by him without saying hello to either of us.  Later, he gets the call at his shop:  "Well, I think the universe is trying to tell us something, don't you, Marc.  I think it's time we see each other again" 
Of course, she's in a bad marriage.  Of course, of course.  I get that terrible feeling in my belly, sick sick sick.  I can't breathe.  Bad timing??  Good Timing??
He wants to text me as soon as they are done with dinner.  So, you know...I know nothing happened.  Because, Katie..."i'm not like you"  "I don't invite people to my house when I'm drunk".  So, I say I don't want a text.  I say I need some distance.  I say he's gonna do what he needs to do.  He texts again: "just so you know, I turned down dinner and it's a coffee date now...I know how much you were hurting, so I put her off.
And by the way, Katie.  Nancy and Michelle don't make me feel like a monster.  They make me feel good about myself. 
Maybe Nancy and Michelle have not experience you with your fist drawn back, your rage so great I don't even know if you could see straight, with my children behind you. 
Maybe Nancy and Michelle have never been frightened of you.  Maybe theyv'e never been told how bad they are by you.  Maybe they have never been held hostage by your INSANITY.
GOOD:
called therapist S.  She kept reminding me to get healthy for my kids.  Duh.  Take a deep breath.
GOOD:
LEGOS!!!  WATER FIGHT!!!  Wild Boy Energy.  Sweet Girl Energy.  They make me laugh.  Sophia is still at school, BTW
GOOD:
M.  Sweet and caring Miss M.  whom I have known since I was 14.  who has seen me through this 18 times.  Who can talk me down off the fence, make me realize how much he is mind f**cking with me right now.  Oh, to have a person in your life who knows you...REALLY REALLY knows you is invaluable.  I treasure her.
GOOD:
SC called me out.  Stop being a victim.  I needed to hear it.   He was kinda blunt, but I got it.  I am perpetuating this.  ME.
 I also needed to tell it.  I told it,  he heard it, and we moved on.  No Drama.  If you kids even THINK of calling me MRS ROBINSON I will kill you.  Serious. :)
Honesty.   Friendship.  The freedom to be who I really am. 
I start to feel at PEACE.  And I breathe again. 
Dinner.  Bathtime.  Sophia comes home from her Dad's.  Music.
peace.

Please Lord:  Allow me to feel this way at one in the morning when I have the urge to start the nonsense all over again.

God grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the dif.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Oh, Jeez. I think I just got called on some of my BS

Which is a good thing, I'm not mad.  I'm actually greatful that someone saw my hurt and my pain and said "wake up, Katie!"  You're being an effin victim, like you always have been.  It's the only role you know how to play.  I was talking to S. today, and I was complaining about my husband, about how we keep going round and round opening each other's wounds.  It's almost like a scripted play, it's so predictable. I pay this S. a $165 an hour, and she's good...she's REALLY REALLY good...but in the space of 5 minutes one of my oldest and dearest friends just called BS on my shit...in the nicest way possible, and FOR FREE!!!
L. needs to be a therapist.  Thank God she's my friend.
Speaking of God...
Today God taught me that when you really stop and listen, He will speak.  It's a long story which I planned to blog about, but now I am so jazzed about the victim consciousness realization I don't even want to write about that.  And, the same holds true for this situation:  God spoke(thru L.) and I listened.  Thanks, Big G.
Sooooo.  That being said, with me always making myself the victim and repeating the same mistakes over and over again...Do I change the name of this blog?  I thought I was owning my past by being so blatant about it, but maybe it's simpply perpetuating the victim consciousness by constantly putting that vibe out there to the universe.
Talk amongst yourselves...

Monday, March 29, 2010

I thank God

for whatever He has in mind for me. 

I am struggling here, God.  I don't know what to do, or where to turn.

I need your help.

Should I stay?  Should I go?

Am I patient?  Have I had enough?

Will he change?  Am I wasting my time?

Please help me Universe.  Help me to breathe.  Help me to own my part.  Help me to step outside myself and make eye contact with the guy my age panhandling outside my luxury suv window.

Please help me Mary.  Help me to mother myself.  Help me to mother my children. Help me to mother my fellow man.

Please allow me to forgive without selling out myself or Sophia.

Please allow me to stop fighting in front of my children.

Please take care of me.

Please help me to have faith.

My life is in Your hands.

Amen.

Friday, March 26, 2010

I can't love you anymore, little boy

Please don't harass me into loving you.

 Please don't guilt me into loving you. 

Please don't beg me into loving you.

Please don't send me texts accusing me of wanting to be with other people more than you because it's true: I actually do want to be with other people more than you.

I had a happy day.  3 wonderful women, all supporting me with their light and love.  None of them accused me of being manic, a bad mother, a skank or the like.

I am wise.  I am a wise woman.  I always have been, and shall be forever more.  You can no longer convince me otherwise.

oh, that LG house was mine.  You could not see the magic in the trees and the smell of the mountain air.  You didn't get it until I pointed it out to you.
 I don't even care anymore.  You and your misery can have it.
You are a bully.  You didn't get enough attention as a child.  You are an angry little boy.
Please get some help for the sake of our children.


\

Friday, March 19, 2010

Sarah

I haven't seen Sarah in 25 Years.  She came into our lives when we aere sophmores at WG high, a genuine boho hippie chick from a small town in Oregon.   She was so good for me. calm and accepting to my wild angry questioning.  I don't remember specifics much, but I remember how I felt when I was around her.  She soothed me.  Before we met for coffee this afternoon I remembered that I had  sought refuge at her house when my stepfather became violent with me.  I was 15.  He threw me up against a wall, grabbed my shirt and snarled at me, like a dog.  He was red faced.  Furious.  Eyes bulged out, inches from my face. 
"Where is the goddamned phone?".  I was terrified.  He was mad because I had left the cordless phone in my room and he couldn't find it. 
After he recovered it from my room I ran.  I ran fast and hard to Sarah's house.  Sarah's parents treated teenagers like people.  Sarah's parents respected your ideas and thoughts and dreams.  Sarah's parents didn't have full time jobs and 9 kids to argue about and older drug addicted siblings.  Sarah's parent's surely had their share of problems, but I do believe the grass was greener on thst side of the road.  I still do.
I stayed in Sarah's room for a few days, her indian print covered bed my island.  Her mom brought me tea.  Even the dog was a comfort.  My mom came to collect me, and she promised that things would change, he would get into therapy, he was going to say sorry.
Which he did, but it was empty, and my very very innermost voice knew he was not to be trusted.  I was right.
Sarah. 
I saw her today, after 25 years, and didn't have to clean my house or dress my kids up or pretend me life is perfect because Sarah thinks I am perfect just the way I am.
Instant ease.  Instant reconnection. Instant friends again.
She left after 7 months, moved back to a quieter life, but she too has memories of how intense that short time was.
She apologized to me for not keeping in touch.  She said she regrets that.
As she left today she said that the thing she loved most about me is that I knew myself so well, and that I always had.
She's right.  She picked up on the very thing that I had been trying to hide, stifle, reconfigure to fit what I thought everbody else would want to see be it mother, sister or husband.
It's lovely when somebody knows you...I mean REALLY knows you, and sees you for who you really are.
I love this girl.  I love my life right now.  It is springtime in my heart.
Redemption.  It's not too late.

I slept with 60 plus men, with two girls thrown in

I just thought I'd put that out there.

Wounded Man liked to remind me of that alot, even though I tried to forget.

I was faithful for all of those eight years, trying like hell to figure out who he wanted me to be. 

I really can't believe I lasted that long... my girl child smothered by this man who leads with his fears.

I slept with lots of people.  Sometimes I think of a new one and laugh to myself. 

Oh yeah, I forgot about this one! 

But really, it makes me sad that I was running around  full of false bravado.

 I was conquering men before they could conquer me, seeing sex as a power struggle that I did not want to lose.

Wounded Man defined me by these 60 plus men with two girls thrown in.

It got to the point where I started defining myself by these numbers, because he mentioned it so often.

I had a list once.  I made the list because I wanted to own my past.

He nabbed it, and proceeded to comb through my FB page to match up any names with my list.

Wounded Man.

You don't own me by shaming me anymore.

I just owned myself

Thursday, March 18, 2010

what happens when you family doesn't 'fit' you?

Tonight was a motley crew of sorts. We went to see on of our sweet math boys play guitar at a vegan cafe with our math teacher and her husband, my 'math is sexy' girls, One of the chillins, and A.
A. is 18. A. is chubby and self conscious. He cares ALOT about his 'look' and what people think of him. He craves attention and coolness, and gets hurt feelings easily.
In spite of all the seemingly negative things I just said about him, he is charming and witty. He is more intelligent than he lets on to be, and has a savvvy understanding of human nature. He's funny! 12 year old boy movie funny.
A. tried to kill himself last month. A. tried to kill himself last month. A. tried to kill himself last month.
It is unfathomable to me that this precious soul felt he had nothing to live for.
And when he was getting out of the car, he said
"please don't make me go in there" "there's more dysfunction in there than you could ever imagine"
What to do, what to do.
Single mom has boyfriend too busy with her own life to understand this quirky boy who sleeps all the time
LAZY!!!! she says
I say DEPRESSED!!!!
Older brother overachiever mommy's favorite impossible to compete against. He is society's idea of success.
There is a treasure in this family, and everyone is busy trying to pretend he doesn't exist because he doesn't measure up to what they expected him to be.
When your family does not see you for the gem that you are,
you make and take human connection with whomever you can.

My words to A. tonight, sent with love from someone who hardly knows him:
You matter. You have a place in the world, and your light is shining bright.
Good night, manchild

two long ranting emails last night...

one 'poor me' text. I am not sad. I am not guilty. I am not destroying my children's lives. I am their role model, I am my own sanity, I am free.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

If only I had known...

That once I made the decision to divorce my abusive husband, my 12 year old daughter would start coming out of her room more often.

If only I had known that once I made that decision she and I would fall back into the ease we had with each other back when she was 5. How I love my baby girl, my sweet girl mini mama who counsels me in her wise way. She is my old soul. Every family has one.

I wish I had known that I would be so comfortable and confident and happy...I mean in my bones peaceful happy...to lead my family and sit at the head of our table. My baby boy, his energy so wild and free... I am touched by my son's love for me, and I don't take it for granted. My mischevious middle child...hilarious and whip smart as all get up!! Sensitive too, so I must pay special attention to her spirit, and make sure that she remains as free as she is right now.

I am here at the time I am here because this is when I was ready. I have been told by my girlfriends that have been on this journey with me that when the time came, I would know. And even when I got fed up and swore I was finished all the times before, I did not feel it in my soul as I do now.

Thank you Universe. And God. And Mother Mary. And those who have prayed for me when I so desperately needed prayer and I didn't know how to ask for help.

I am so so grateful. More than you will ever know.